Razor Blade

  

Blow out the candles

Smother the lights 

Things in the sun

Aren't meant for you and me 

Gentility hides rage

And blood bleeds blue 

Cold as ice 

And dark as sin 

Things in the night 

Have always made more sense 

For we don't expect kindness 

Or want love from them. 

You are broken, 

We walk a razor 

A precipice we dare not disturb. 

What does honesty mean 

To someone who can't feel 

Anything but regret? 

I hope you are better 

I hope you are proud 

For in the darkness, 

People can be brighter

And learn to live with themselves again.

A Reminder

For anyone who has managed to stumble onto this blog, hello! It's wonderful to have you. With all the insanity going on in the world right now, a lot of people are loosing connections - with family members, friends, strangers that might have become something more, and those you have yet to meet. When faced with tragedy and fear, our first instinct is to seek out a group, or a place you feel safe; there's safety in numbers, right? But this pandemic has forced everyone into seclusion, straining tensions with those you're living with. Please, as I'm sure you've been told, cooperate with quarantine. Try to avoid going outside when possible, keep clean and safe, and continue to participate in social distancing. It only works if all of us pitch in. 
However, terrible as it is, we're lucky to live in an age where most of us can access the internet. We can skype, call, text, and surf the web, things that our parents would have balked at as children. We can, for the most part, stay in contact with the people we love and are unable to reach. We can offer shoulders to lean on for those who are loosing someone, which is the beauty of instantaneous communication. 
But what about the great number of people who don't have these support systems? I am certain that there are individuals who don't have the friends or family that others do, who are hurting and inexplicably alone, wondering when it's supposed to get better. There are people for whom quarantine means absolute isolation, going slowly mad without anyone readily available to talk or to simply feel things out with. 
For those of you who are feeling most hopeless - entirely and completely on your own, somehow person-less in a world that supposedly hosts so many - I would just like to tell you that this isn't it. This is not all that life has to offer. Despite its madness and its ugly, especially at a time like this, there are better things just up ahead. I don't know when, or how you'll find them, but happiness exists, and it's waiting for you to find it. 
Life is far from easy. Things are going to happen that are going to shake you to your very core. You are going to continue hurting, even when you are trying your damnedest not to, but eventually that too will pass. You are going to lose some battles and win others, and you will be surprised by how much you can gain. The thing is, pain is a part of life. What gets thrown your direction may seem unbeatable and crushing, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dim or slippery. And there is an end to the tunnel, I promise you. 
For those of you who have made it this far, it is obvious that you're strong - much stronger than you know. Everyone, no matter how small or obscure, has a purpose. We grow up so differently because what we have to offer the world is as unique and universal as our fingerprints. You are not just another straggler on a meaningless plane, waiting for the next day to come around; you are alive. You have talent, probably hidden ones, and intelligence, and competence beyond what you believe you're capable of. You are worth something, and you should never forget that. 
If you are currently on your own, know this: the right people always come with time. I don't know when, I don't know who, and I don't know how; oftentimes it's the people we least expect who end up changing us for the better. They will love and value you just as much as you do them, and they will be the ones who stay. They can chase away the bad days with a horrible joke and make you laugh when you need to most. They can simply offer a hand to hold when you want to. Good, honest people do exist, though they're a dying breed. They are worth waiting for, and getting to know. In between them may be individuals who come and go, there one moment and gone the next. There will be disappointments and heartbreaks and yes, perhaps some deaths. But the people who are meant to stay will do so for as long as they are able. And even if someone is gone, it doesn't mean the love ends. Some things are meant to last, and compassion is one thing that fails to fade. Humanity has its failings, but it also has its rare moments of success where humans are human without any of their traditional callousness. When you find a home, it tends to stick. If you've lost one, it is rarely ever too late to rebuild. The important thing is to remember its solid foundations. 
I doubt this helped, but I think that it's something everyone should hear now and again. There is so much more to the world than the hand we are dealt. There is a greater capacity for achievement, for dreams, for sacrifice, and for goodness than we know. We are going to get through this together, even those of us who have been beaten down by it. Remember your kindness as well as your own ingenuity; you've got this. Now let's keep on keeping on for the next month. 

Yourself or Someone Like You

Outside there's light, 

Blinding and gold - 

Dripping with possibilities 

Warm, close to hold 

But the lantern glow is hard to grasp 

And while near, still too far 

For someone like me 

I was stumbling on my own 

Through this dark and narrow street 

Crashing into walls, 

Half-dead on weary feet 

Until you found me there, 

Sitting silent in the cold

Wondering how I'd ended up 

In that miserable empty fold 

But you let go too soon;

You showed me all the stars 

Yet how can I cope with darkness 

When you left me only scars? 

I don't know why I'm still alive 

I'm not sure I'll make it through 

If I'm forced again to roam without 

Yourself or someone like you 

Help me, help me, 

I never learned how 

To stop loving the ones 

Who have let me down 

Or left me in shambles, to bleed on my own 

Or left without warning, without any home 

I can't live off 

The memory of you 

It's just never enough 

And it's only half-true 

I forget how you smiled, 

The curve of your lips 

The weight of your gaze, 

Your tears and your rips 

It's all just a blur, 

A falsity, a lie 

Because I loved you 

And you didn't say goodbye 

But while you were here 

For the instant you came 

Your eyes shined like stardust 

When you said my name 

You could hold the light hostage, 

Keep the sadness at bay 

The hardest part of losing you 

Is losing feeling that way 

I don't know how long for 

Or if it's already too late

But for yourself or someone like you 

I will always patiently wait.

Relativity

A person in a person,

Bundled up with twine

Wanting to escape their shell

But it's never the right time

They are within a house,

And the house within a world;

A world inside an hourglass,

The sands inside a fist.

The fist belongs to a man -

Call him what you will

God, Lucifer, you or me -

It's really just the same.

The man is adrift the cosmos,

Swimming in a sea

Of silver-studded hopes and dreams,

Their clashes a symphony

But the ocean isn't endless,

It's banks are up ahead.

The fears, the worries, the regrets

Are all but dirt upon the ground

The waters and mud combined,

They are encircled by a sky
Is it limitless potential
Or just another lie?

A house, a world, a glass, a man, and whatever follows next

Are all but homes we build ourselves -

Or perhaps cages describes it best

All these held together, they are contained

By one inescapable prison

Ensnared, enamored, irrevocably held

Within the borders of an ever-flowing mind

Rumination

I wrote this this morning. 
It has no pattern, it's just unvetted thoughts on a page. 
I almost titled it 'I Know', but the thing is, I don't. And right now, anything else would be a lie. 

                                                                          

I'm drowning,

All my thoughts are a cacophony of voices

Dissonant, strange, cold -

And then they're gone, hollowed out

A shell of a brain, and maybe of a human.

When I woke up, there was the rain

It was quiet and distant, up against the windowpanes

So close, impossible to touch

Everything was still a dream, so

What is reality and what is myth,

And what bridges the two?

That sort of magic, it's what dreams are made of:

The endless impossibilities,

The confusion and mayhem,

The monsters under beds and the ones in plain sight.

I wonder, sometimes, if I'm becoming one of them,

If the lines between hopeless optimist and illusionist

Are so blurred that they're inseparable.

But maybe I'm not the hero.

As any daydreamer will tell you,

Heroes are happy -

They have princesses to keep them company and castles against the wind.

If I'm a good person,

Maybe I wouldn't wake up from all the noise and just feel . . .

Empty.

So I'll watch the rain,

Put my hands against the glass,

And wonder yet again:

Who am I?

What will it take to know?

Dial Up (Part 2)

So, funny story. I decided I'd do a post on Valentine's Day (and oh, look at the date . . .)
and then just . . . didn't do anything for a month? For some reason? I don't know,
I just got it into my head that I could only post one thing. I have no idea why. I was also
hideously sick for two weeks, which helped.
Anyways, have a great day and here's Dial Up, part two.

Jake

Jake

Jake

Jakie

Jake from state farm

Stalker?

JAKE

(8:47 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

What do you want

And also why are you texting me again

(8:49 PM, Me)

Well, I'm so glad you asked

You see, it sounds like you have no social life

And I'm tragically bored

(8:50 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

'Tragically'

The world would end if you ceased to be entertained

(8:51 PM, Me)

Exactly, you got it in one

It's the job of the jesters to occupy my attention

Thus, you

(8:51 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

That's awful nice

Except

And I could be wrong

But it seems like you don't have a social life either if I am your go-to

(8:52 PM, Me)

It's less about that and more like all my friends are at this party

(Which I am also at, because I am not a shut in like you)

(8:52 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

I can only tolerate getting hit on by stoners so many times before it loses its appeal

(8:53 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

How tragic

Getting hit on

Can't imagine a worse fate

(8:54 PM, Me)

No, you couldn't

(8:54 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

I bet you wouldn't be able to visualize so many eligible people vying for your attention at once

At least you have me

(8:55 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

That's not very encouraging

I'd rather be alone tbh

(8:55 PM, Me)

Awww, we both know that's not true

I'm your future wife after all

(8:55 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

I thought we were over that

PLEASE let us be over that

(8:55 PM, Me)

Never

I will never forget

My species never does

(8:56 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Your species being apes?

(8:56 PM, Me)

Being females

Yes, we are a separate race

(8:57 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

A much more advanced class of being

And we can forgive but we will NEVER let things go

(8:58 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

So, not a 35 year old man after all

That's a relief

(8:59 PM, Me)

Nup, I'm 60 and cantankerous as hell

(8:59 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Still slumming in my mother's basement thou

It's pretty nice, sleeping with the rats

(9:01 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Oh, so now there's an infestation

Comforting

(9:02 PM, Me)

They're very good listeners, even if they all carry the plague

And especially if all your friends are in the hubbub of a party

(9:04 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

That sounds rather familiar, actually . . .

(9:05 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

If you're trying to garner pity, it's not working

I might be tempted to call social services on you

And the CDC

You need serious help

(9:07 PM, Me)

Wasn't that obvious?

And so do you, otherwise you wouldn't be texting me

And you'd have a girlfriend

(9:08 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

That is a work in progress

Eventually I'll get there

(9:09 PM, Me)

Oh, eventually

How reassuring

So do you mean in this century or the next?

(9:10 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

You

Are in very rare form tonight

Remind me again why I should entertain you?

(9:11 PM, Me)

Because I need attention

(9:11 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

I'm annoying like that

But you love it

(9:12 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

I've talked to you maybe once

And completely by accident, I might say

(9:13 PM, Me)

Lucky you, then

According to all the frat boys, I'm quite the catch

If only I weren't tipsy, then I might attempt to be less cruel

(9:14 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

You are texting remarkably well for someone who claims to be not-sober

How do I know you aren't lying about the party?

(9:15 PM, Me)

I suppose you don't

But tbh, I have a lot of practice texting while mildly tipsy

(9:15 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

My older sister gets worried and I don't want her to have a stroke, so

I lie

Autocorrect helps, sometimes

(9:16 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Such an upstanding citizen

Truly an inspiration

(9:17 PM, Me)

I know, I know

A model of civil disobedience

- but -

That is sometimes necessary in society

(9:18 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

The principles of transcendentalism are on my side

(9:19 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

What?

(9:21 PM, Me)

That's, like

A literary movement

Didn't your college english courses teach you anything

(9:23 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

I mostly slept through them, tbh

The tests were easy and I can analyze ok

(9:24 PM, Me)

Not great, but

I got a B and the occasional A in uni

(9:25 PM, Me)

How disappointing

Henry David Thoreau is very upset

He's rolling over in his grave

(9:26 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

I think I'll live

(9:27 PM, Me)

Mmm, but he won't

(9:27 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

He's already dead, right

So I don't see the problem

(9:28 PM, Me)

That's rather inconsiderate

Much like you prying at my texting

(9:29 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

It's all highly suspicious

(9:31 PM, Me)

And yet here you still are

I must be doing something right

(9:33 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

That's a negative

I'm just also very bored

(9:34 PM, Me)

How fortunate

Now you're suffering with me

A big improvement, right

(9:35 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

No, not at all

It's just you or advanced calc, so

I choose you

(9:37 PM, Me)

Pokemon, nice

(9:37 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

No, stop that

We aren't going there

(9:39 PM, Me)

Gotta catch 'em all

(9:40 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Nope nope nope I'm getting flashbacks and they all suck

I'd rather forget the DS portion of my adolescence thank you very much

(9:41 PM, Me)

You're welcome, but

Charmander was the best

(9:42 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

How can you even say that

(9:44 PM, Me)

Please tell me you aren't a pikachu fan

He's adorable but very basic

(9:46 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

You have to have some good points, since your flirting is clearly abysmal

(9:47 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

First of all, kindly step off

And second, Bulbasaur is king

(9:48 PM, Me)

But charmie is fire-based

Like me, who also enjoys setting things up in smoke

(9:51 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

You like arson???

(9:52 PM, Me)

I shoulda been a chemist

I coulda exploded shit for a living

(9:54 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

The planet would never survive

(9:54 PM, Me)

Not my problem after we're all gone, right

(9:55 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Still, horrifying

And Bulbasaur is arguably the best

(9:56 PM, Me)

He grows stuff right out of his back

He can create other living things

That's pretty cool

(9:57 PM, Me)

His later power-ups aren't cute

Charmander is both adorable and deadly

Truly my spirit animal

(9:58 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Wow, you have no taste

(9:59 PM, Me)

My taste is impeccable

You just don't appreciate my talents

(10:01 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Are offhanded insults a talent?

I never noticed

(10:02 PM, Me)

Better believe it

And I'm the queen

(10:02 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Maybe over a kingdom of isolation, but

You're not scoring any points with me

(10:04 PM, Me)

Omg

You are not a grown man who quotes FROZEN are you

(10:04 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

I have small nieces

And my older brother bribes me to babysit

(10:05 PM, Me)

Riiiiiiight

Like you don't watch frozen for fun

(10:05 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

No, I don't

(10:06 PM, Me)

Because, once again, I am a grown man

(10:07 PM, Me)

Don't worry, one day you'll meet a woman who will go out with you of her own free will

(10:08 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Together you will have children, and then that child will serve as an excuse to surreptitiously
view Disney flicks

(10:09 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

There's no shame in it, Jake

We all binge

(10:10 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

I feel . . .

Uncomfortable

Yes, that's the word

(10:11 PM, Me)

I have that effect on men, yeah

(10:11 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

That's not good you know

(10:12 PM, Me)

I'm very disappointed in you

(10:12 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

You're always disappointed, it seems

(10:13 PM, Me)

Very true

You know me too well, J

(10:13 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Damn, please no

(10:14 PM, Me)

Ha

Too freakin' late

Ah cool, my uber got here

(10:15 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Wait, was I just a distraction until a shady guy in a van came to drive you home

(10:17 PM, Me)

I feel played

And here I thought you wanted my company

(10:18 PM, Me)

Bit of both?

(10:19 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

I hate you

(10:22 PM, Me)

Aw, love you too Jakie

Text ya tomorrow if the hangover isn't too bad ;-)

(10:25 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Begone, demon

(10:25 PM, Me)

As you wish

(10:26 PM, Judgemental Stranger)