Dial Up (Part 2)

So, funny story. I decided I'd do a post on Valentine's Day (and oh, look at the date . . .)
and then just . . . didn't do anything for a month? For some reason? I don't know,
I just got it into my head that I could only post one thing. I have no idea why. I was also
hideously sick for two weeks, which helped.
Anyways, have a great day and here's Dial Up, part two.

Jake

Jake

Jake

Jakie

Jake from state farm

Stalker?

JAKE

(8:47 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

What do you want

And also why are you texting me again

(8:49 PM, Me)

Well, I'm so glad you asked

You see, it sounds like you have no social life

And I'm tragically bored

(8:50 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

'Tragically'

The world would end if you ceased to be entertained

(8:51 PM, Me)

Exactly, you got it in one

It's the job of the jesters to occupy my attention

Thus, you

(8:51 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

That's awful nice

Except

And I could be wrong

But it seems like you don't have a social life either if I am your go-to

(8:52 PM, Me)

It's less about that and more like all my friends are at this party

(Which I am also at, because I am not a shut in like you)

(8:52 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

I can only tolerate getting hit on by stoners so many times before it loses its appeal

(8:53 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

How tragic

Getting hit on

Can't imagine a worse fate

(8:54 PM, Me)

No, you couldn't

(8:54 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

I bet you wouldn't be able to visualize so many eligible people vying for your attention at once

At least you have me

(8:55 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

That's not very encouraging

I'd rather be alone tbh

(8:55 PM, Me)

Awww, we both know that's not true

I'm your future wife after all

(8:55 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

I thought we were over that

PLEASE let us be over that

(8:55 PM, Me)

Never

I will never forget

My species never does

(8:56 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Your species being apes?

(8:56 PM, Me)

Being females

Yes, we are a separate race

(8:57 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

A much more advanced class of being

And we can forgive but we will NEVER let things go

(8:58 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

So, not a 35 year old man after all

That's a relief

(8:59 PM, Me)

Nup, I'm 60 and cantankerous as hell

(8:59 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Still slumming in my mother's basement thou

It's pretty nice, sleeping with the rats

(9:01 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Oh, so now there's an infestation

Comforting

(9:02 PM, Me)

They're very good listeners, even if they all carry the plague

And especially if all your friends are in the hubbub of a party

(9:04 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

That sounds rather familiar, actually . . .

(9:05 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

If you're trying to garner pity, it's not working

I might be tempted to call social services on you

And the CDC

You need serious help

(9:07 PM, Me)

Wasn't that obvious?

And so do you, otherwise you wouldn't be texting me

And you'd have a girlfriend

(9:08 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

That is a work in progress

Eventually I'll get there

(9:09 PM, Me)

Oh, eventually

How reassuring

So do you mean in this century or the next?

(9:10 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

You

Are in very rare form tonight

Remind me again why I should entertain you?

(9:11 PM, Me)

Because I need attention

(9:11 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

I'm annoying like that

But you love it

(9:12 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

I've talked to you maybe once

And completely by accident, I might say

(9:13 PM, Me)

Lucky you, then

According to all the frat boys, I'm quite the catch

If only I weren't tipsy, then I might attempt to be less cruel

(9:14 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

You are texting remarkably well for someone who claims to be not-sober

How do I know you aren't lying about the party?

(9:15 PM, Me)

I suppose you don't

But tbh, I have a lot of practice texting while mildly tipsy

(9:15 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

My older sister gets worried and I don't want her to have a stroke, so

I lie

Autocorrect helps, sometimes

(9:16 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Such an upstanding citizen

Truly an inspiration

(9:17 PM, Me)

I know, I know

A model of civil disobedience

- but -

That is sometimes necessary in society

(9:18 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

The principles of transcendentalism are on my side

(9:19 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

What?

(9:21 PM, Me)

That's, like

A literary movement

Didn't your college english courses teach you anything

(9:23 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

I mostly slept through them, tbh

The tests were easy and I can analyze ok

(9:24 PM, Me)

Not great, but

I got a B and the occasional A in uni

(9:25 PM, Me)

How disappointing

Henry David Thoreau is very upset

He's rolling over in his grave

(9:26 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

I think I'll live

(9:27 PM, Me)

Mmm, but he won't

(9:27 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

He's already dead, right

So I don't see the problem

(9:28 PM, Me)

That's rather inconsiderate

Much like you prying at my texting

(9:29 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

It's all highly suspicious

(9:31 PM, Me)

And yet here you still are

I must be doing something right

(9:33 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

That's a negative

I'm just also very bored

(9:34 PM, Me)

How fortunate

Now you're suffering with me

A big improvement, right

(9:35 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

No, not at all

It's just you or advanced calc, so

I choose you

(9:37 PM, Me)

Pokemon, nice

(9:37 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

No, stop that

We aren't going there

(9:39 PM, Me)

Gotta catch 'em all

(9:40 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Nope nope nope I'm getting flashbacks and they all suck

I'd rather forget the DS portion of my adolescence thank you very much

(9:41 PM, Me)

You're welcome, but

Charmander was the best

(9:42 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

How can you even say that

(9:44 PM, Me)

Please tell me you aren't a pikachu fan

He's adorable but very basic

(9:46 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

You have to have some good points, since your flirting is clearly abysmal

(9:47 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

First of all, kindly step off

And second, Bulbasaur is king

(9:48 PM, Me)

But charmie is fire-based

Like me, who also enjoys setting things up in smoke

(9:51 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

You like arson???

(9:52 PM, Me)

I shoulda been a chemist

I coulda exploded shit for a living

(9:54 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

The planet would never survive

(9:54 PM, Me)

Not my problem after we're all gone, right

(9:55 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Still, horrifying

And Bulbasaur is arguably the best

(9:56 PM, Me)

He grows stuff right out of his back

He can create other living things

That's pretty cool

(9:57 PM, Me)

His later power-ups aren't cute

Charmander is both adorable and deadly

Truly my spirit animal

(9:58 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Wow, you have no taste

(9:59 PM, Me)

My taste is impeccable

You just don't appreciate my talents

(10:01 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Are offhanded insults a talent?

I never noticed

(10:02 PM, Me)

Better believe it

And I'm the queen

(10:02 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Maybe over a kingdom of isolation, but

You're not scoring any points with me

(10:04 PM, Me)

Omg

You are not a grown man who quotes FROZEN are you

(10:04 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

I have small nieces

And my older brother bribes me to babysit

(10:05 PM, Me)

Riiiiiiight

Like you don't watch frozen for fun

(10:05 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

No, I don't

(10:06 PM, Me)

Because, once again, I am a grown man

(10:07 PM, Me)

Don't worry, one day you'll meet a woman who will go out with you of her own free will

(10:08 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Together you will have children, and then that child will serve as an excuse to surreptitiously
view Disney flicks

(10:09 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

There's no shame in it, Jake

We all binge

(10:10 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

I feel . . .

Uncomfortable

Yes, that's the word

(10:11 PM, Me)

I have that effect on men, yeah

(10:11 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

That's not good you know

(10:12 PM, Me)

I'm very disappointed in you

(10:12 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

You're always disappointed, it seems

(10:13 PM, Me)

Very true

You know me too well, J

(10:13 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Damn, please no

(10:14 PM, Me)

Ha

Too freakin' late

Ah cool, my uber got here

(10:15 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Wait, was I just a distraction until a shady guy in a van came to drive you home

(10:17 PM, Me)

I feel played

And here I thought you wanted my company

(10:18 PM, Me)

Bit of both?

(10:19 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

I hate you

(10:22 PM, Me)

Aw, love you too Jakie

Text ya tomorrow if the hangover isn't too bad ;-)

(10:25 PM, Judgemental Stranger)

Begone, demon

(10:25 PM, Me)

As you wish

(10:26 PM, Judgemental Stranger)