Ha, told you it was cliche! It was fun, though, so take it for what you will.
Hi, so, didn't know if you would remember me, but
It's Jake, I gave you my number last Tuesday
And obviously you wrote your number down so I could text first
You never texted, so
(5:49 PM, Me)
Anyways, I was wondering what you were doing tonight
And if you'd like to go out, possibly
You know, if I haven't weirded you out too much
(5:51 PM, Me)
Um
Ha, so
(5:54 PM, Future Wife)
Oh good, you're alive
(5:55 PM, Me)
Well, about that
Pretty sure you have the wrong number, man
(5:55 PM, Future Wife)
Wait, so
Did I not randomly talk to you this week at a coffee shop
And proceed to exchange numbers with you
(5:56 PM, Me)
This isn't a prank, right
Because I already feel stupid, so
It's working
(5:58 PM, Me)
Ah
. . . Sorry?
(5:59 PM, Future Wife)
Well
I have no faith in God after this
(6:05 PM, Me)
Jesus
(6:08 PM, Future Wife)
That was such low-hanging fruit
And you just kept going
Very shameless
(6:10 PM, Me)
Why thank you
(6:12 PM, Future Wife)
It's a gift
Or a curse, if you have no sense of humor and have to compensate like me
I live solely through the shitty puns of other people
Very vicarious, might I tell you
(6:15 PM, Future Wife)
Noice
(6:16 PM, Me)
Holy shit I haven't said 'noice' since middle school
I feel like I'm 12
(6:17 PM, Me)
'Holy'
Nice leapfrog there
(6:18 PM, Future Wife)
Thanks for reminding me that I'm prepubescent
And really fucking bad at getting numbers
(6:18 PM, Me)
Have no clue who you are, btw
If we're in danger of overlooking that
(6:20 PM, Me)
Isn't it obvious?
I'm a good samaritan taking pity on your misfortune
Lots of pity
Taking notes, too
'Jake from State Farm'
(6:23 PM, Future Wife)
And you
Are not funny at all
(6:25 PM, Me)
I guess I could be a serial killer
Or YOU could be a murderer
(6:26 PM, Me)
Only a cereal killer
(Sadly)
Frosted Flakes will learn to fear me
(6:28 PM, Future Wife)
Okay, you have to be sub-human at best
Who eats frosted flakes when fruit pebbles exist
(6:29 PM, Me)
COCOA PEBBLES
ARE FAR SUPERIOR
TO YOUR FRUITY PEBBLES
TO YOUR FRUITY PEBBLES
PEASANT
(6:30 PM, Future Wife)
No
No, they aren't
(6:31 PM, Me)
Have you seen chocolate loops?
No, no you haven't
Because fruit flavor is better in cereal
(6:32 PM, Me)
That's different
Those are just ripped-off cheerios
(6:33 PM, Future Wife)
Okay, first of all, stop right there
Plain cheerios SUCK
(6:34 PM, Me)
They're marketed for infants
(6:35 PM, Me)
Oh, so you?
(6:35 PM, Future Wife)
Low freaking blow
I'm changing your name in my contacts
(6:36 PM, Me)
From what, pray tell?
(6:37 PM, Future Wife)
Ah, um
. . . Future Wife?
(6:39 PM, Me)
No.
(6:40 PM, Future Wife)
Please don't
I'm emotionally fragile right now
(6:40 PM, Me)
Way.
(6:40 PM, Future Wife)
Seriously, I might have to hurt you
(6:40 PM, Me)
You put a girl whose number you got a few days ago
Who you met a few days ago
Into your phone
As 'Future Wife'
(6:41 PM, Future Wife)
When you say it like that
It sounds so much worse
(6:45 PM, Me)
Than what?
Dreamgirl 2.0?
(6:47 PM, Future Wife)
Yes, for one
But she was cute and liked Star Wars
She seemed really nice and she smiled a lot
And she guessed my starbucks order
(6:49 PM, Me)
Are you, like
A walking cliche?
(6:50 PM, Future Wife)
Or just
I don't know
Mentally deficient
(6:51 PM, Future Wife)
Look, we were in Starbucks
It's not that weird
(6:52 PM, Me)
'We were in Starbucks', he says
'It's not that weird', he says
(6:53 PM, Future Wife)
Buddy, that's about the saddest way you can possibly meet 'Future Wife'
In a lonely Starbucks booth, poaching the internet and drinking an overpriced latte
You need an intervention
(6:54 PM, Future Wife)
Excuse me
But
I do believe my love life is none of your business
(6:56 PM, Me)
You
Put me in your contacts
As 'Future Wife'
You have only yourself to blame
(6:58 PM, Future Wife)
Contact 'Future Wife' has been changed to 'Judgemental Stranger'
Now you're Judgemental Stranger
Hope you're happy
(7:02 PM, Me)
Subtle shift there, Casanova
But good, I'm ever so thrilled
(7:04 PM, Judgemental Stranger)
I can feel the warmth
Really, it's suffocating
More like a hate-fire, actually
(7:06 PM, Me)
Just the way I like it
Mwahahaha
(7:08 PM, Judgemental Stranger)
Okay, but
So you won't try to murder me
And I won't murder you
That seems fair
(7:11 PM, Me)
Gee, that sounds reassuring af
(7:14 PM, Judgemental Stranger)
Would you like a written legal document instead?
(7:16 PM, Me)
Hundred percent
Complete with signature and notarized
By tonight
(7:19 PM, Judgemental Stranger)
You have very high standards
(7:20 PM, Me)
One of us has to
Future Husband
(7:25 PM, Judgemental Stranger)
Dear God
(7:31 PM, Me)
Thought you had no faith in him
Ha
(7:33 PM, Judgemental Stranger)
Okay, maybe a little murder isn't all that bad, right?
What's one tiny homicide on a permanent record, huh?
(7:35 PM, Me)
Fine, I digress
Someone needs to compromise in this marriage
(7:36 PM, Judgemental Stranger)
. . .
(7:37 PM, Me)
Kidding
Mostly
Sorry 'perfect girl' ™ didn't work out
Maybe the number got smudged?
(7:39 PM, Judgemental Stranger)
Well
In my excitement I may have spilled half my coffee on the napkin, so
It may have been very destroyed
This may have been a long shot
(7:41 PM, Me)
Alright
And now all my sympathy is gone
Night, stranger
(7:43 PM, Judgemental Stranger)
Please don't be a catfish
I really don't want to be on the show
(7:44 PM, Me)
I'll try my best
A 35 year old man still living with his mom has to make his own fun, so
No promises
(7:45 PM, Judgemental Stranger)
You're joking
Right
(7:46 PM, Me)
Right
(7:51 PM, Me)
;-)
(7:54 PM, Judgemental Stranger)
